On Joy and Sorrow
Kahlil Gibran - 1883-1931
Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
This poem is in the public domain. Published in Poem-a-Day on February 10, 2019, by the Academy of American Poets.
“Perhaps pain was not a hot potato after all, but a traveling professor. Maybe instead of slamming the door on pain, I need to throw open the door wide and say, Come in. Sit down with me. And don’t leave until you’ve taught me what I need to know.” Glennon Doyle
BOOKS & ARTICLES
“Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself”
by Kristin Neff
"The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion"
by Chris Germer.
“It's OK that you're not OK”
by Megan Devine
Here is her website: https://refugeingrief.com/
‘A Hidden Wholeness’
by Parker J. Palmer
An article by Parker: https://www.dailygood.org/story/2152/the-gift-of-presence-and-the-perils-of-advice-parker-j-palmer/
VIDEOS & MOVIES
Here are a series of videos with Kristin Neff (self-compassion researcher) talking with Brene Brown. https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-kristin-neff-brene-brown/
A video about supporting others:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2zLCCRT-nE&vl=en
Inside Out, Pixar
QUOTES
”The key to this form of community involves holding a paradox - the paradox of having relationships in which we protect each other’s aloneness. We must come together in ways that respect the solitude of the soul, that avoid the unconscious violence we do when we try to save each other, that evoke our capacity to hold another life without dishonouring its mystery, never trying to coerce the other into meeting our own needs.”
~Parker J. Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness
“In the face of our deepest questions - the kind we are invited to explore in circles of trust - our habit of advising each other reveals its shadow side. If the shadow could speak its logic, I think it would say something like this: ‘If you take my advice, you will surely solve your problem. If you take my advice but fail to solve your problem, you did not try hard enough. If you fail to take my advice, I did the best I could. So I am covered. No matter how things come out, I no longer need to worry about you or your vexing problem.’ The shadow behind the ‘fixes’ we offer for issues that we cannot fix is, ironically, the desire to hold each other at bay. It is a strategy for abandoning each other while appearing to be concerned. Perhaps this explains why one of the most common laments of our time is that ‘no one really sees me, hears me or understands me.’”
~Parker J. Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness
“When you speak to me about your deepest questions, you do not want to be fixed or saved: you want to be seen and heard, to have your truth acknowledged and honoured. If your problem is soul-deep, your soul alone knows what you need to do about it, and my presumptuous advice will only drive your soul back into the woods. So the best service I can render when you speak to me about such a struggle is to hold you faithfully in a space where you can listen to your inner teacher.
“But holding you that way takes time, energy, and patience. As the minutes tick by, with no outward sign that anything is happening for you, I start feeling anxious, useless, and foolish, and I start thinking about all the other things I have to do. Instead of keeping the space between us open for you to hear your soul, I fill it up with advice, not so much to meet your needs as to assuage my anxiety and get on with my life. Then I can disengage from you, a person with a troublesome problem, while saying to myself, ‘I tried to help’. I walk away feeling virtuous. You are left feeling unseen and unheard.”
~Parker J. Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness
A process for feeling
Notice the feeling
Label it
Feel it
Offer kindness
Deconstruct
Disrupt
Jenn Cusick, LuminateWellness.com